Oct 9, 2011

Where do I go from here?

It's been a bit of an emotional day. I find myself here writing before bed to release some of my pressing thoughts and questions to God, and then try to wait patiently for guidance. For several weeks, I've felt a burden to move forward with a specific ministry. It's a little daunting, primarily because I expect it  to not be well or readily received by many people, mostly some strangers, but also many people within my circle of faith I know and respect. But there comes a time when one has to speak the truth as it's revealed to them by spirit, no matter what the earthly consequences may be.

I do realize that anything worth doing that will make a difference will often be met with resistance. But the Lord is giving me more confidence day by day, more confirmation on a regular basis that my belief system is sound, but I'm not yet clear on where I'm supposed to go from here. I don't know how I'm to get beyond the "inspired" phase to the action phase, or even what that's supposed to look like when I get there. I do know God and those He's charged to attend to me will be with me all the way, and I know they're aware of these questions and concerns, even without me putting them into words here or verbally. But I'm stating here that I really, really need a sign that I'm on the right track, and a sign as to what my next step should be. All I know right now is that I've never felt as passionate about anything in my life as I do about this ministry. Never. At age fifty, I'm only now feeling that I have a special purpose in the world in this life, something important to do for the Kingdom. That in itself is such a blessing, to no longer feel like I've just been wasting time while others around me have been more focused and productive.

Father God, I do thank You for this gift, and for all the other gifts you've bestowed on me and my family. None of it is deserved, but all of it is cherished and appreciated. Please continue to be with me and keep me strong. I live for You now. I desire Your will and Your approval more than anything. Please keep me under your covering, and allay any fears that try to creep in and undermine my work for You. I love you, Father! Please come to me in my dreams tonight, and please open my eyes and ears during my waking hours. Amen.

Part 2, Morning:

I've just awakened, and at first was having some difficulty remembering my dreams of last night fully. Now that they're coming back to me, I need to write them down quickly, but come back to them to read later. As is often the case, they're not making much sense to me right now, but someone else who's discerning may be able to interpret for me, or the symbols may make perfect sense when I read this later from a fresh perspective. There were several dreams I recall:

In one, I was shopping in a small grocery store after church. My dad was with me, but waited in the car, as I was to be getting just a few things. The car we were in was a small, white sports car with a beige convertible top. Very odd, because we've never had such a vehicle, nor would each of us ever buy one for ourselves. It's too small, impractical, and we share the opinion that cars are just transportation, not extensions of ourselves or statements of any sort. We were parked in the corner space of a parking garage, where there were few other people, and our car was right near the entrance of the rather unappealing and nondescript store. I also recall that my dad seemed to be wearing the same wide brimmed hat that he had on in another recent dream, one that was more vivid, and in which I knew his spirit was communicating directly to me to let me know he WAS with me, and so that I could give him a big hug and actually feel his warmth and communicate love with my natural senses. At any rate, I had difficulty finding what I was looking for in the store, even though it was just a couple of things. But I happened to be on the cereal aisle first, and a large box on a top shelf a few feet away and behind me caught my eye and seemed to beckon me. There was something about the colors of the box that seemed familiar to me, so I went to investigate, feeling very hopeful. I was hopeful because I had a feeling it was a box of Quisp cereal, my favorite of all time, which came back after a couple of decades last year, only to be taken away again. It WAS Quisp, but a generic store brand. I looked at the picture on the front, and the cereal did look a bit odd, not quite as tasty or satisfying as the real thing, but definitely a version of Quisp and good enough to buy and try to enjoy. I wanted more boxes of it, but realized not only was it the only box of its type, but the store was completely out of boxed cereals of all brands and types. The cereal area shelves were completely bare except for that box I took from the top shelf that had seemed to draw my attention to it. As I got to checkout, I can recall opening an envelope that had come in recent mail, and it contained a check that was for either $1,563 or $1,536. I didn't recognize it at first, nor the sender, but was happy to have the funds, which had been sent to me quickly from a woman I'd communicated briefly with by phone and e-mail, who was paying me in advance for babysitting her infant for several of the coming months. The check was pale yellow, accompanied by a hastily scrawled note in some sort of shorthand of her own creation. It was difficult to decipher, and seemed to have been written by someone who was young, poorly educated, and a bit naive and trusting, but also full of a blind faith that was beautiful and touching to me. I can recall feeling in the dream vowing to meet her expectations of me, and not to let her down in any way, because I would also be letting down the God she and I both share belief in. I was touched by the fact that she'd send me full payment so far in advance in such trust.

In another dream, I was riding in a vehicle with several close friends. I can't say who they were, except that we'd known one another for a very long time, maybe back to childhood, and had a history of putting on shows for small audiences on a tiny stage. It was amateur theater, plays written by one of these friends, but we enjoyed it as a frequent pastime, and we were excited to be starting a new play that she was just about finished writing. As we rode, I asked if she'd be willing to tell me about the character she wanted me to play. She hesitated, and looked at the other friends for a moment, as if they knew what she was thinking about me and the character, that I might not respond to it well and want a different role. She then told me she hoped I would be okay with playing the part of a young pregnant woman. I envisioned myself on the stage in the role, under bright lights on that small stage, and wearing a very bright green maternity dress, looking nearly nine months pregnant. The role was attractive to me for some reason, and once I came out of fantasy mode, I told her so. She seemed relieved and pleased.

In another dream, I was in a house, but viewing it as an observer able to pan in all directions as well as living and moving around in it. It seemed to be my own home and one that was new and only recently finished and moved into. Others, old friends and neighbor children were there, milling about as though they were familiar with the place and supposed to be there. Rather than really interacting with them, I was checking out details of the inside of the house, the color scheme, paint and wallpaper choices, and trying to decide if I'd made the best choices in them. I fretted about whether the great room space looked cozy and inviting enough, homey enough. The colors of the home's decor were pale peach, muted cream and yellows, with splashes of green, pale flowers, and warm, country style wood. The lighting was muted lanterns of various sorts on the walls, ceiling and by the fireplace that I could see ahead and off to the right of the casual dining area that was my vantage point. There was an L-shaped seating area of comfy dark green near the fireplace that seemed to be ready and waiting for a group to gather there and enjoy one another's company, or participate in a small group discussion of some sort.. After scanning the rooms for a while, I noticed that there was a small, dark alcove for a computer, and went to it. A child was there playing a game, and I joined in, trying to show them how to play, but the young girl was soon called away from the house by her mother. As she left, an old classmate of mine from grade school and college came and leaned over my shoulder. He wanted to show me that something more serious, a book, was available online. It was something very deep and possibly a classic that I'd never read, but I felt that he was letting me know I should. The man was Rick Bynum, someone I've never been really close to, but have always admired very much for his calm, kind demeanor, his strong work ethic, and his dedication in everything he does. He was always a bit of a quiet guy, but still popular and everyone was his friend. And he was very proactive in a quiet way, getting things done well, even if not the very best. Ricky was, and still is, at all times commendable and steady.

In another dream, which was brief and a bit odd, I saw a man in a red and white pickup truck. I passed close to him, but he didn't seem to notice me as I stopped by his open cab and watched what he was doing. He was a young Caucasian man, a bit scruffy and dirty looking, wearing jeans and a plaid flannel shirt. There was something about him that made me feel pretty sure he'd done something criminal (not his first time, but perhaps more serious than his past petty crimes), and was trying to hide evidence and cover his tracks. He was modifying something under his dashboard so the ridges wouldn't be checked against with something that had apparently been used in the commission of the crime. I sensed that it was a murder, or at least a serious assault that he'd committed. He was filing something metal down and smoothing it, then creating a new ridge pattern with the long boring tool he was using. When he was done with that, he gave the floorboard on his side of the truck a fresh coat of gray enamel paint. I suspected then that he was not just trying to disguise certain parts of the truck, but trying to make it seem to investigators that it was another truck altogether than the one they were looking for.  The truck was parked in the back yard of the house I grew up in, just in front of the garage, which had both doors fully opened. That garage was hardly ever opened up wide like that. Inside, there was a dusty pool table, which had never actually been there, but once I saw it, I wanted to play. But it seemed to be missing all but a couple of the balls. There was only the black one and a green one. It was covered in dust and cobwebs. When I went in the house to find someone to play with me, my brother, Bronald, seemed interested. For some reason, he was also my son. But he/they got sidetracked by something on the way out of the house, and I don't recall us actually completing a full game once we finally got out to the table. But I somehow won a game, seeing only the very end of it and me enjoying a tiny victory moment for myself. That's all I recall of that dream.

In my last dream, I saw myself at the entrance to a mountain road in a secluded area. I was with a small group of guys, maybe four or five, and a woman who seemed to be the leader or guide for the group. She'd done this leading before, and apparently was part of the staff of a lodge or retreat center that we were heading to or taking part in a program with. As we were setting off on the inclined, unpaved road, she warned us that it wasn't an easy route, and that it would be okay if anyone wanted to turn around and go back then, or at any point along the way as the hike got tougher. She told us it WOULD be treacherous and a bit scary, with many places one could easily fall off and be badly injured or killed, especially as it got darker outside. I got the impression that we wouldn't get to where we were going before dark, and the trek would be rather long. I forged ahead with the group, but with trepidation. Nobody else was turning around, so I felt safer with them than staying back alone in the middle of nowhere. We had traveled only a minute or so before the scenery and road changed. It became more narrow, more encircling, but also more lush and nutrient rich, with a thick and flowery garden oasis visible at a distance. It was as if we were walking near the opening of a protective cave, but the cave was moving along with us. The soil, which was not only under our feet but arching up around and over us, was a deep reddish-brown. It seemed so fertile, almost like large-particled potting soil, and didn't feel very solid under our feet. But it was still pleasurable to walk on somehow. Just as it began to get dark out, the soil cave faded and we were all startled by a noise just off to our left in the forest. Everyone stopped, on alert. Something was rustling around, but we couldn't see it yet, and didn't know what it was. We weren't talking much, but everyone seemed to be under the impression that it was a large, wild animal of some sort. Even though we were all frightened, we slowly ventured off the road into the thick woods to look for the beast. I'm not sure if we wanted to track it down and catch it, or just make sure it wasn't in a position to attack us, and to figure out what it was. I was about ten feet away from the rest of the group, and looked over at them to my right. I realized they had all donned costumes or camouflaged outfits of some kid. At first, I thought they were trying to look like bears, because they were hairy. I wondered why they'd try to look like bears since whatever we were going after was probably also a bear. Then I realized the hair was brown, and the bear was probably a black bear, and what they were wearing looked more like Wookie suits ( like Chewbaca in Star Wars) than like bears. It suddenly dawned on me that what they were trying to look like was Bigfoot creatures. I found that both fascinating and and brilliant, thinking if there was anything a black bear might run from it would be a Bigfoot. As I observed them, I thought it was a great idea, and wondered to myself if I should also put one of the suits on, or if I was already wearing one and just hadn't realized it. It seemed like a good idea. I do have an interest in those mythical, mysterious creatures, which I am sure exist, and are probably not totally what scientists expect them to be, which is why they've not been able to catch or find the remains of one. The thought crossed my mind that Bigfoots are possibly shape shifters, or have the ability to move back and forth between dimensions. After those thoughts went through my head, I woke up.

 What do these dreams mean? I'm not sure yet. A few ideas popped into my head as I was writing, but I also realized that parts of the dreams seem closely related to things I've seen on TV or have talked about very recently. I'm going to have to separate those things out. Or, maybe, those elements have just been pre-orchestrated, incorporated, and stuck in my mind for a reason, Hmmmm

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